~Trail Of Thoughts~

Dying and disappearing are two different things. The former means you’ve existed, the latter not.

I’m frustrated… Was I really meant to walk alone?

I find myself procrastinating so I don’t have to feel or think and it’s very worrying because I’m not moving forward. All I want is a quiet life or unlife, or even perhaps just a dreamless sleep… I’m basically pushing my body on overdrive because I don’t sleep well. I try not to sleep at all. But I am so exhausted already that all I do is sleep and ultimately fall in these bouts of nightmares. I want to cry but the tears aren’t even falling anymore. I feel so alone but even if I hang out with friends the loneliness doesn’t fade away. It intensifies. I don’t want anybody to worry about me but even I know I’m in dangerous levels now that I cannot deal with it alone. I just hope I keep finding the strength to push because I feel like I just want the darkness to consume me and just be done with this.

It’s been a while. I wanted to say a lot of things really. I want to vent my frustrations out. But it seems that I can’t. I don’t want to trouble my friends really. I feel so exhausted. Even when I seemingly do nothing the entire day. Just existing is a chore. It seems that the solution to my sleep problem is for me to sleep near somebody. That’s difficult for me. It’s not exactly easy to say ” Please sleep with me” without getting weird looks. I just need someone somewhat near me to feel somehow safe. =___= But I can’t. *sigh*

I just want one night of dreamless sleep. I’m not even asking for a happy dream anymore. I just want to genuinely wake up without worry. I’m exhausted from running around and fighting in my dreamscape and even shortening the time I dream (sleeping in the wee hours of the morning instead) does nothing to the intensity of the nightmares. I’m tired, sleepy, and doubly frustrated.

It’s been a while. ^^ I post mostly in DA and tumblr usually breaks down o yeah… I’ll make the most out of the post.

I’ve been depressed. Really depressed. I know it’s the type where I’d have to take medicine but medicines don’t work right usually for me. I had bouts of frustration worrying enough because I’m bordering suicidal-homicidal the past year and this year up until a few days ago, been on an annoying emotional-roller coaster ride. I’m feeling better because I’ve been able to put my guard up after all these years of lowering it. All things considered, my life isn’t really that bad. It’s bad because of how I deal with it and my personal circumstances that not much people know about.

I sometimes think that real life is just a cross-over manga series. I had Robert Downey Jr. as a professor, my dad is Richad Gere, one of my uncles was a gang leader, and another was a cowboy. Apparently we are a clan of ninjas whose stealth mode is superb. My sister is LSP. I have a group of friends who use movie/game references in normal conversation and for some time Dr. Crane and Lucy Liu were my classmates.  I had friends who were yaoi!Haru and Makoto but they eventually broke it off.  I have friends whose lives are kinda like Slender or the Sixth Sense. I was even told that my situation was way worse than Insidious. =__=

*sigh* I’m still trying to get a hang of new-old me. Hopefully things will get better for everyone.

bakrua:

ever wanted to do some stuff? like, different stuff? tired of having to scroll through your huge ref tag? LOOK NO FURTHER!! Have a masterpost of LITERALLY EVERYTHING which took me 5 hours to make so reblog it
Art:
Painting tutorial
Female/male arms
Kneeling + Sitting ref
Dragon head view tutorial
SAI brushes 86786
Drawing expressions
Sai Brushes 1
NGE colour palette 1
100+ colour palletes
Avoiding same face
Face contours/highlighting 
free art MyPaint
Body anatomy help 1
How to shift images using blur in PS
Drawing clothe folding
How to draw ice
Colour palette 1
Colour palette 2
SAI brush settings 2
SAI/PS pixel brushes
Warm/Cool gray
Flower crown tutorial
Skin colour palette
Pink colour sheet
How to draw butts&thighs
The male torso
Drawing glowing stuff in SAI
Drawing horse/animal legs on humans
Drawing clouds
Muscular male with bow stock photos
Pastel colours
Drawing grass fields in SAI
Expressions&Legs
All about the human body
20+ colour palettes 
Colour conversion
Kissing ref
Creature design 
Colour meanings
Creating expression
Tutorial masterpost (100+)
Lineart
Canine
How to colour
Pose studies
Feline comparisons
How to draw penis
Leaf pressing
100+ anatomy references 
How to draw folds
SAI brushes 3
Sitting poses
Colour palette 4
Cloud painting
How to draw 3D rooms
Colour info
Colouring ref
Hair tutorial
Clothing ref
Bodies and poses
SAI brushes 5
Colour scheme designer
Folding ref
Heads&Angles 
Paint tool SAI masterpost
Drawing ref masterpost (10+)
Hair+Fur
How to draw faces
SAI brushes 4
Anatomy of mutant humans
What should I draw?
Free art software
pastel colour ref
Mass art ref
Soft SAI brushes
ways to draw stuff
SAI brush settings
baseball cap ref
Penis ref
Drawing human wings
Cool free art software
Huge art ref
Colour blender
2 SAI brushes
Photoshop for free 
Writing:
Inspiration 1
Instead of ‘whispered’
Music for writing fight scenes
Writing fantasy
Emotions vocab sheet
How to reveal character
Writers block resource
Writing a death scene
BIO help
Music to help you write
Writing prompt generators
Got writers block?
How to torture a character
Degrees of emotion
ULTIMATE writing ref, 500+
Character names
Body language
25 days of fic
HOW TO DRAW ANYTHING
Writing people of colour
nanowrimo start kit
character flaws
General: 
Becoming an adult masterpost
cute OTP things
Resource masterpost
For bored people
Anime + Manga recs
how to make a blanket nest
Getting an apartment
what should i read next?
If you’re bored
Delete tourists from photos
Cute pet nicknames
Family tree explained 
Pulling an all nighter 
masterpost of themes/pixels/emoticons
List of demon names
Demons & Deities in the bible
Moss graffiti 
Types of attraction
Trampoline = outside bed
College textbooks
God masterpost
Creepypasta
OTP necklaces
Super silky summer legs
Plastic keychains
How to write cover letters
make music on itunes sound great
Documentarys 
Classic lit
Makeup:
Black/gold ref 1
Cosplay eye makeup
Halloween eye gore makeup (tw eye gore)
Rotting skin halloween makeup
Eyeliner ref
bloody halloween nails
Gender:
Getting gender-neutral pronouns on facebook
Backgrounds:
Pokemon mystery dungeons iphone
Ghosty backgrounds 
Themes/pixel/backgrounds
Clothing: 
1000+ everything clothing ref
Awesome jackets
Cheer up/Be happy
If you’re having a bad night
Movies to watch when you’re down
Confidence
Sowing:
8ft giant squid pattern
Food:
Cheeseburger cupcakes
Deep-dish cookie for one
Exercise: 
Burning stomach fat
Games:
PokéRadar guide
Play pokémon games online
Pkmn Shiny hunting guide
Animal crossing new leaf face/hair guide
Free RPG games
Mental health:
Talking about your mental health

bakrua:

ever wanted to do some stuff? like, different stuff? tired of having to scroll through your huge ref tag? LOOK NO FURTHER!! Have a masterpost of LITERALLY EVERYTHING which took me 5 hours to make so reblog it

Art:

Writing:

General: 

Makeup:

Gender:

Backgrounds:

Clothing: 

Cheer up/Be happy

Sowing:

Food:

Exercise: 

Games:

Mental health:

(Source: bakrua, via pharaoh-doll)

Is the kissing one stuck or did you just reeealy want to be kissed by Dead Winchester?

Best Friend:  Dean Winchester.  <—OMG Pie bros!

First Kiss: Sherlock Holmes <—- *dies*

Living With: Castiel   <—- I’ll be having issues with personal space.

Relationship With: Gregory Lestrade.  <—- Ooh Definitely my division.

Profession: Consulting criminal.   <—Ah the irony.

Killed By: The Eleventh Doctor  <—- O——o

(Source: livstarks, via wats-on-you-re-sher-locked)

yefione:

juliebeefjerky:

romanorgasm:

oraldiarrhea:

3rd-corner:

First time trying this = w =

BFF: Makoto

Boyfriend: Seijuro (whatshisface)

Brother: Haruka (oh)

Stalker: Nagisa (Oh)

Got a Crush on ME: Makoto (aaw)

First Kiss: Nagisa :/

BFF: Makoto.

Boyfriend: Makoto. (Oh….)

Brother: Rin.

Stalker: Rei.

Got a crush on me: Rei. 

First kiss: Haruka.

BFF: Nagisa (cutie!!)

Boyfriend: Makoto (perfect boyfriend)

Brother: Rei-chan

Stalker: Rei-chan (omfg he has a sister complex that is so cute omfg)

Got a Crush on me: Rei-chan (…oh that’s not so cute)

First Kiss: RIN-CHAN OMGGG

I took a screencap of this and got Makoto for every position so I decided to just click and drag.

BFF: Rei
I think we’ll get along well, surprisingly.

Boyfriend: Rin
As much as I love Rin, he’ll be a pain as a boyfriend. Competitive, moody, and a tsundere… our personalities will clash.

Brother: Seijuurou
He’s gonna be the coolest bro EVAR.

Stalker: Nagisa
Funny how I can actually imagine Nagisa as a stalker. Though he’d probably be this really cute admirer and I wouldn’t mind. (* 3 *)

Got a Crush on ME: Haruka
I find this hard to believe. Unless I’m carrying a portable pool and/or is as watersexual as he is — I don’t think it’s even possible. If I was a female version of Rin, maybe? But Rin’s already my boyfriend.

First Kiss: Makoto
I would consider it the fondest memory of my life, I think. Because Mako-chan ♥

BFF: Haruka

I think we’d get along well, though I think I’m more of a Rin type of friend.
Boyfriend: Haruka

Uwaaah! >/////<

Brother: Rei

It makes a whole lot of sense to me. We’ll be the science sibs!

Stalker: Seijuro

Yeah… I think he fits the bill.

Got a Crush on ME: Haruka

>/////<

First Kiss: Haruka

… Is this rigged or something? =/