I find myself procrastinating so I don’t have to feel or think and it’s very worrying because I’m not moving forward. All I want is a quiet life or unlife, or even perhaps just a dreamless sleep… I’m basically pushing my body on overdrive because I don’t sleep well. I try not to sleep at all. But I am so exhausted already that all I do is sleep and ultimately fall in these bouts of nightmares. I want to cry but the tears aren’t even falling anymore. I feel so alone but even if I hang out with friends the loneliness doesn’t fade away. It intensifies. I don’t want anybody to worry about me but even I know I’m in dangerous levels now that I cannot deal with it alone. I just hope I keep finding the strength to push because I feel like I just want the darkness to consume me and just be done with this.
It’s been a while. I wanted to say a lot of things really. I want to vent my frustrations out. But it seems that I can’t. I don’t want to trouble my friends really. I feel so exhausted. Even when I seemingly do nothing the entire day. Just existing is a chore. It seems that the solution to my sleep problem is for me to sleep near somebody. That’s difficult for me. It’s not exactly easy to say ” Please sleep with me” without getting weird looks. I just need someone somewhat near me to feel somehow safe. =___= But I can’t. *sigh*
I just want one night of dreamless sleep. I’m not even asking for a happy dream anymore. I just want to genuinely wake up without worry. I’m exhausted from running around and fighting in my dreamscape and even shortening the time I dream (sleeping in the wee hours of the morning instead) does nothing to the intensity of the nightmares. I’m tired, sleepy, and doubly frustrated.
It’s been a while. ^^ I post mostly in DA and tumblr usually breaks down o yeah… I’ll make the most out of the post.
I’ve been depressed. Really depressed. I know it’s the type where I’d have to take medicine but medicines don’t work right usually for me. I had bouts of frustration worrying enough because I’m bordering suicidal-homicidal the past year and this year up until a few days ago, been on an annoying emotional-roller coaster ride. I’m feeling better because I’ve been able to put my guard up after all these years of lowering it. All things considered, my life isn’t really that bad. It’s bad because of how I deal with it and my personal circumstances that not much people know about.
I sometimes think that real life is just a cross-over manga series. I had Robert Downey Jr. as a professor, my dad is Richad Gere, one of my uncles was a gang leader, and another was a cowboy. Apparently we are a clan of ninjas whose stealth mode is superb. My sister is LSP. I have a group of friends who use movie/game references in normal conversation and for some time Dr. Crane and Lucy Liu were my classmates. I had friends who were yaoi!Haru and Makoto but they eventually broke it off. I have friends whose lives are kinda like Slender or the Sixth Sense. I was even told that my situation was way worse than Insidious. =__=
*sigh* I’m still trying to get a hang of new-old me. Hopefully things will get better for everyone.
I really don’t know what to do with you… Apparently you told me all that was significant at the time they happened… But you didn’t tell me the things that happened during the time I haven’t seen you back then. You look so dead… I wonder if you’re smiling because you want to or because you don’t have a choice? This time around though, I don’t feel giddy anymore. I guess I like you as a friend now.